Don't Skip
The prompt I used was "Do you wish you could return to a moment in your past?"
Right now, the essay is at exactly 644 words. If you could find any unnecessary bits that don't need to be here, I'd like to know what those are as there are more details I want to add.
There are many moments throughout my life that I wish I could return to, as I have several regrets that happened only because of a silly decision I made. The best example of this within the past year is what transpired last May on the day of the awards ceremony.
In both subbie and freshman year, my friends and I hadn't won any significant awards. A few of us were asked to stand up for the various foreign language national exams, but names are not announced for those awards. (Plus, I knew my score from the national German exam beforehand, and it was certainly too low to win anything). Because of this, and the fact that I wasn't a senior, the only possible way I could win an award is from a poem I submitted to unique. I knew the poem I had submitted, and I personally thought it was garbage- I had unintentionally repeated the word "ground" at least four times in a poem only twenty lines long. On top of that, I recalled that I had written the poem in twenty minutes the day it was due.
Completely confident in my inability to win an award, I agreed with my friend's request to skip the awards ceremony with him. We then concocted a genius strategy to evade the faculty and sneak out of school- we were going to hide in the restrooms during the passing period, then stay there for the next fifteen minutes until the coast was clear. Our plan worked perfectly, and we were more than a block away from the school within minutes. We kept walking, and made it somewhere around the Dairy Queen and Taco Bell on University. I had no worries; we were too far away to be seen, and the chances of me winning an award were astronomically low. Or so I thought.
My phone buzzed. This didn’t worry me at all; it was most likely some random notification from an app I accidentally allowed permissions to. I took my phone out and saw it was a text from a friend. I still wasn’t worried, but whatever little uncertainty I had about winning an award before started to come back. Then, I read the text. “You won an award” it read. I was a bit shocked. Did I really win? But the confident side of me told me otherwise. It was just a joke, right? Trying to scare me? I replied something along the lines of “haha bs” and put my phone away. Shortly after, my phone buzzed. The message read “no seriously you got second in a poem”. I got five messages in the following minute, telling me that I won and how stupid I was for skipping. I was absolutely shocked. How did my abominable poem win? A small part of me still thought it was a very organized prank, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I spent the next hour at Expresso wishing I hadn’t been so stupid. The friend who told me to skip was there as well. He’d also thought my chances of winning were approximately zero, and when we verified what had happened with the others there who had skipped, he couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t blame him; the situation was hilarious, especially since I’d said “There is a one in a trillion chance of me winning an award” earlier in the day. When we came back, it was the same. Even at track practice after school, people were still talking about what happened.
While the entire experience was humiliating, I did gain some confidence in my writing skills from winning an award, as well as a valuable lesson. I promised myself that I would never skip an assembly again.
Right now, the essay is at exactly 644 words. If you could find any unnecessary bits that don't need to be here, I'd like to know what those are as there are more details I want to add.
There are many moments throughout my life that I wish I could return to, as I have several regrets that happened only because of a silly decision I made. The best example of this within the past year is what transpired last May on the day of the awards ceremony.
In both subbie and freshman year, my friends and I hadn't won any significant awards. A few of us were asked to stand up for the various foreign language national exams, but names are not announced for those awards. (Plus, I knew my score from the national German exam beforehand, and it was certainly too low to win anything). Because of this, and the fact that I wasn't a senior, the only possible way I could win an award is from a poem I submitted to unique. I knew the poem I had submitted, and I personally thought it was garbage- I had unintentionally repeated the word "ground" at least four times in a poem only twenty lines long. On top of that, I recalled that I had written the poem in twenty minutes the day it was due.
Completely confident in my inability to win an award, I agreed with my friend's request to skip the awards ceremony with him. We then concocted a genius strategy to evade the faculty and sneak out of school- we were going to hide in the restrooms during the passing period, then stay there for the next fifteen minutes until the coast was clear. Our plan worked perfectly, and we were more than a block away from the school within minutes. We kept walking, and made it somewhere around the Dairy Queen and Taco Bell on University. I had no worries; we were too far away to be seen, and the chances of me winning an award were astronomically low. Or so I thought.
My phone buzzed. This didn’t worry me at all; it was most likely some random notification from an app I accidentally allowed permissions to. I took my phone out and saw it was a text from a friend. I still wasn’t worried, but whatever little uncertainty I had about winning an award before started to come back. Then, I read the text. “You won an award” it read. I was a bit shocked. Did I really win? But the confident side of me told me otherwise. It was just a joke, right? Trying to scare me? I replied something along the lines of “haha bs” and put my phone away. Shortly after, my phone buzzed. The message read “no seriously you got second in a poem”. I got five messages in the following minute, telling me that I won and how stupid I was for skipping. I was absolutely shocked. How did my abominable poem win? A small part of me still thought it was a very organized prank, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I spent the next hour at Expresso wishing I hadn’t been so stupid. The friend who told me to skip was there as well. He’d also thought my chances of winning were approximately zero, and when we verified what had happened with the others there who had skipped, he couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t blame him; the situation was hilarious, especially since I’d said “There is a one in a trillion chance of me winning an award” earlier in the day. When we came back, it was the same. Even at track practice after school, people were still talking about what happened.
While the entire experience was humiliating, I did gain some confidence in my writing skills from winning an award, as well as a valuable lesson. I promised myself that I would never skip an assembly again.
I think your voice comes through very well and I enjoyed your humorous and descriptive writing, for example about how you “concocted a genius strategy to evade the faculty.” I actually remember the afternoon of the assembly. I was sitting by your friends and when your award was announced, a lot of them started laughing really hard. It was fun to hear the other side of the story in your essay. If you are trying to cut out some words to make room for more details, there are a few lines that you could possibly take out, like “but the confident side of me told me otherwise” and “when we came back, it was the same” and similar places where it would still make sense if you omit repetitive details.
ReplyDeleteI feel as though your personal voice is expressed very well in this essay. I remember the ceremony as well and people were aware that you had skipped out. If you wanted to cut down a bit on the words, I don't know if a detailed description of how you evaded the awards ceremony is completely necessary. You could just say that you "concocted a genius strategy to evade the faculty", though that may be a bit vague.
ReplyDeleteI feel like your incredulity comes through pretty well in this essay and I can tell that your voice comes through pretty strongly in this essay. In terms of cutting down on the essay, I think some things were redundant like "the friend who told me to skip was there."
ReplyDeleteThis was so fun to read. This story has become a somewhat myth in our class, it was cool to finally hear the real version straight from you. Although your narrative is majority anecdote, you're reflecting on your thought process throughout. The ending is golden, looking to the future is a great way of giving your reader closure.
ReplyDeleteWIll WIll Will... I loved this essay because it not only provided a sense of vulnerability, but also was filled with humor. It is obvious that you have learned from your mistake, and the reflection was truthful and honest. I think the first 2 introductory lines are just reiterating the prompt and don't really add to the essay but overall I thought it was great!
ReplyDeleteI thought the ending was a bit disconnected and I felt that maybe condensing the two sentences in one could be beneficial. However, in general, I really liked this essay as it is very relatable and humorous at the same time. I loved the part about realizing you actually had won an award although I would suggest editing the beginning so that the first sentence isn't "my phone buzzed" but that's about it.
ReplyDeleteI still remember this from last year, and I think this essay perfectly captured it. Not only were you able to open up and write about a humiliating moment of your past, but you were able to do it in a very humorous way. You weaved the reflection and the anecdotes very well, which made your essay very easy and fun to read. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI found this essay to be a very enjoyable read. I still remember laughing when you won the award and were not there, and I feel like you did a great job of capturing the surprise and humor of the moment. Your voice came through very well and the writing felt very genuine. All around, it was a fun essay.
ReplyDelete